Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
