bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
