...so i touched it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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