y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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