tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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