I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
