So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
