she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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