i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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