and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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