im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
