There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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