A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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