Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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