By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
