nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
