Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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