dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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