cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
