Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
