dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
