the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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