she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
