So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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