During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
