conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
These tits shall not be calmed
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