and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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