my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
