theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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