God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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