I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
