Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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