A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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