just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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