So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
