you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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