see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
