Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
