the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
