I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
