a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
