all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
