i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
