FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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