Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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