nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
