If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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