hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
