I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
