The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
